Being Mixed: the Good, the Bad, and the Dirty
by Menchie Khairuddin
There are times where a person would absolutely love to be anyone but them. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be anyone but me.
When you're mixed, you have a myriad of pros and cons. But somehow, the cons always outweigh the pros. Before you continue reading, this is your disclaimer to the ugly side of being mixed and maybe not all mixed kids feel this way but I do. This is Menchie and this is my story.
I was born in Bangladesh to a Filipino mom and Bangladeshi dad, I would say it was quite an unusual pairing (only if you’ve met my parents). Right out the womb, people commented on how dark I was. Scratch that. How different I looked compared to my mother and older sister who are fair skinned. I look mostly like my dad, except for my hair and my eyes; and that was absolutely unacceptable because I have a fair and “foreign” mom, I should be fair too. I was so glad I have no memory of this because if I did, I’d crawl right back up my mother’s hooha and refuse to come out to this harsh f-ing world.
Fast forward to when I was a little older, around 9 years old. I remember how whenever I met someone new, especially at parties, people felt the need to point out I looked “unkempt” or “untidy” and that I didn’t look like my “foreigner” mother. First of all, curly hair is beautiful and not at all “untidy”. Second of all, I was a kid and bless my heart, cared more about finding a playmate than looking good (like any normal kid would). But always getting those nasty comments wherever I went eventually got to me during my adolescent years where I straightened my hair so much I eventually fried it. My curls were ruined but my self esteem was at its lowest. Looking back, I realized that I had faced racism everywhere growing up because in school I was “untidy” and anywhere else all my shortcomings and mistakes were blamed on my “upbringing” and the fact that I had “foreign blood”. What the f— kind of term is “foreign blood”? The term “mudblood” would’ve at least made me feel like a witch in Harry Potter.
If you’ve reached this part, I’m sure I’ve peaked your interest. I have, after all, rambled on for two paragraphs. So here it is, the list of shit I went through.
Backhanded racist comments (You’re pretty for a dark skinned girl, you have a pretty face even though you have ugly hair)
The feeling of never belonging. Never have I related more to Katy Perry’s lyric “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting through the wind” more than when I feel homesick while technically being home.
I never felt like I belonged. To some of the Bangladeshis I was too Filipino and to other Filipinos I wasn’t Filipino enough (mostly because I didn’t speak Filipino as a child). But I do have amazing friends from both countries who don’t look at me like I have flags painted on my face.
Being fetishized and called “exotic” by literally EVERYONE. First, I am a person, not a sex toy second, I am not a f-ing animal in the zoo that you can call me “exotic”.
Answering the insane question of what country do you like better. I refused to choose and identify with only one of my cultures.
Ignorant people who straight up tell me where I’m from instead of just politely asking. Thank you but no I am not from India, Mauritius or Africa.
A follow up to no.4. I’ve met a few people who dream of having “mixed babies”. Yes honey, fetishize pa more.
Last but not the least, I think this bothers me because I used to be bullied for it, but now am “unique” because of it. It's the wonderful question “Can I touch your hair?” or people just straight up running their hands through my curly hair. Like HELLO? Have you never heard of personal space?? I don’t know maybe this is the last one because it happens so often and is a pet peeve of mine because OMG curly hair is so hard to maintain and running your fingers through my hair is going to make me look like a poodle.
Oy with the hair already! If you’ve read my list and want to come for me, please don’t lol because the list comes from personal experience. If you’re mixed like me, I hope you never go through shit like this (but let’s be honest, you probably already have). If you’re not mixed, I hope you had fun reading my story and don’t go around calling multiracial people “exotic”. I’m only joking (am I though?). Dhonnobad, Salamat and Thankyou for reading this!
Lots of Love,
Menchie, The Nomad